My name is Archie and I am front of house at Lawlor Cat Hotel. I’m your regular ginger moggy. My human is Jane and she pays the bills and would love to be a cat but sadly she only has human status. I taught her everything she knows.
I’m not high maintenance but I know what works for a cat so I’ve shared my knowledge and she really has got the hang of it considering she’s human. So here’s the jazz. I’m a ginger rescue cat related to the one who wrote the book. You know the one “A street cat named Bob”. Rescued his human and does busking in Covent Garden. Anyway our entire litter was dumped in Hampstead Heath by some horrid human and Bob made his way to the streets of London and I chose Essex. I’m more a bling man you know. Love TOWIE, fast cars, the glamour, the drama but my colour is all natural and not fake.
I look after my appearance, grooming, exercise chasing the rabbits and deer at Great Warley, checking on the fish and the birds etc not to mention welcoming each and every guest. I have a lot on!
I digress, so I end up in a cats rescue centre and Jane came and rescued me. The rescue home was brilliant and they fixed my teeth and leg (still gives me a bit of trouble). Once healthy they started talking about putting me up for adoption and I pawsed for thought. Who would be the perfect human? Someone easily trainable, lively but not too lively, loving, affectionate. So after dismissing several humans (just not my cup of tea and nothing personal) I saw Jane and thought yep she’s the one and did that “take me home” routine those humans always fall for.
I used my best feline charm and to be fair I landed on my feet. She owns this purffect gaff out in the country with 3 acres of land and so I helped her convert her 100 year old coach house to the coolest Cat Hotel ever! I did the design, the layout, the interior, chose the beds, tested the beds, chose the curtains, designed the menu, tested the menu (yum) chose the temperature, chose the scratching poles. I did the lot. The only thing she butted in on was the CCTV. She insisted owners have the right to view their cats in their suite from anywhere in the world. What! I protested and gave her my best catitude but it became a deal breaker. I argued us felines need and deserve our privacy and are not Big Brother contestants but she kept banging on about security and how humans should be allowed to check on us 24/7 – something about they will relax more really knowing we are 100% happy.
She won and so your human can look at you all day, everyday from wherever they are in the world. Soz. I did my best but there you have it. You can’t have it all if you knock about with humans. She also insisted we were fully insured (as if we are going to need that) and that we can administer medication. I agreed on the express understanding that she abandoned her rubbish idea of a TV in every suite. WHAT! I cried. You are going to drown out our feline entertainment with Human TV.
How am I supposed to listen to my feline entertainment (cat chat, birds singing, rabbits, mice, spiders etc. We hear every single noise and communication for miles from a horse neigh to grass cracking under the weight of a bunny) – That’s our internet and entertainment and I can assure you it is far better drama then you humans can create with your soaps and reality TV – us animals are reality TV! She saw my point so I think we can tolerate the CCTV in exchange for our own entertainment system.
YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS CAT HOTEL TO BELIEVE IT.
The Suites - Purpose built human size suites with viewing pods so you can enjoy the views of either the garden and adjacent fields, outdoor pool or bar/reception views for the “just can’t help myself I’m so nosey” kind of cats, curtains or blinds, fluffier than cat pillows, a multi gym, ensuite, candles, flowers, sofa so your mate can crash, mood lighting, sensory thingymajigs for your inner kitty, toys and above all total privacy. Every night housekeeping will come and turn your bed down, pull the curtains, light our flameless candle and even put one of those cute kitty treats on your pillow. The suite will be similar to the one you share at home with your human but 5* and specifically designed with your needs in mind.
Housekeeping – twice a day (to cat standards cleanliness - not human).
Restaurant – Mainly room service since most of our guests like to eat in peace. The chef is Kim. I’m talking Oxo Tower standards of food. We cater for everyone’s dietary needs and the menu will spoil you for choice. If you are fussy (what? Come on most of us are) you can even bring your own!
Well being - The loves and cuddles are endless and being in the country means the place is so peaceful so lots of uninterrupted cat naps.
Spa - Did I mention the Spa? Oh yes. Nothing like a day in the Spa to bring out your inner kitten who you have been neglecting for far too long and it’s all done out with sensory lamps so you can really get back to being you and reconnect with yourself. You are going to love it.
Fish Bar - Of course every hotel has a bar and so does Lawlor Cat Hotel. Your humans can enjoy a chilled glass of bubbles on arrival (let’s face it they will need it for whatever journey they have planned) whilst you take in the smells and scents on arrival before heading up to your suite.
Chauffeur – If your human is time poor Jane will arrange a chauffeur to collect you and bring you to my hotel. £4 a mile.
Often one of the staff humans will invite you to visit reception during your stay if you fancy it so you can pick up your emails and daily gossip from the scents left by the other guests. Some of them are really funny and the scandal is always full on. My human Jane loves events so every Christmas, Valentines, Halloween etc the Hotel is decked out to the nines. Seriously she went over the top at Christmas and it was like staying in Santa’s Grotto. Bless her she still believes. So if you get the chance to put your owners on a “holiday” (think delays, airports, stress, sunburn - laughing my head off) why don’t you treat yourself to a stay at my hotel. You’re worth it and your humans will be absolutely fine for a couple of weeks. Absence makes the heart etc.
I promise you the best break of your nine lives.
On a final note our Cat Hotel is made of bricks and not plastic or wood. Think the three little pigs! Nuff said. Look forward to welcoming you to Lawlor Cat Hotel.
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